Sometimes, okay a lot of the time, I second guess myself. I'm not going to delve into the reasons for that, but just understand it to be an "is". Lately I've grown tired of the practice. I've made some tough decisions in my life, and some of them have been as to whether or not I should bury my head in the sand. Typically I decide against hiding. Not out of fear that I'll be viewed a certain way, but it's because I find that:
often the right thing to do carries with it the most difficult consequences
I don't want to acquiesce to the whims of others, especially when they're exploitative or harmful to others or myself. I suspect that there are others who would always toe the line and defer (feel free to translate defer as being manipulated into deferment.) to whatever demagogue they choose to.
But screw that. Screw not having the courage to be myself, and once again for second guessing myself.
I will answer to my conscience only. And because I am a good person that is well enough.
Many years ago I worked in a retirement community, and one day while attending the indoor pool, there were horrific screams. A 4 year old child had drown in the deep end of the pool. We had no lifeguards. Warning signs were posted everywhere. The kid's mother was outside in a van smoking. The mother's boyfriend, who was supposed to be watching him, was too busy checking out the teenage girls to pay attention. The boy couldn't swim and had no floating devices on.
So I found a nurse on the premises to administer CPR while I cleared the pool and called an ambulance. 5 minutes later the CPR revived the kid. 10 minutes after that the ambulance arrived.
*I nearly cried when he said that he wanted McDonalds. His mind was still working. I was so grateful. But, as it turned out, other people were not happy with me. *
Why hadn't I been the one to administer CPR?, they queried. It should have been me they said. The staff should be responsible, etc.
But, the kid lived as a result of my fast thinking, luck, delegation and the CPR skills of the nurse. It was a directed team effort.
I had been trained in CPR. But I weigh well over 200 lbs and that boy looked like he weighed about 60 lbs. I was honestly concerned that I might hurt him, or that if I failed in my pursuit I'd have to live with that.
To this day the family has never thanked me. And I'm okay with that. It's enough that he lived. And as with that decision, my recent choices have been hard. And there were potentially serious consequences involved for people; consequences that never came to fruition as a result of my integrity and foresight.
And because of that, when I lay down to rest tomorrow, I'm going to sleep like a log.
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